I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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