I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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