I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
