he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
