I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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