o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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