I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
