she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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