it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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