meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i think i just lost a toe
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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