k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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