No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am mentally ready for anal.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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