now i know why i became what i already was.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
