There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
