Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
