lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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