You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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