Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
