hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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