I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
