I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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