i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
