Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
