Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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