I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
