I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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