respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
