Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
