Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
two words: eviction party
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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