You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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