I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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