She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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