3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
