just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
