My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just had sex on a roof
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
