South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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