There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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