i need an iv and a liver transplant
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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