Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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