I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
