I love black thongs
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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