so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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