She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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