I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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