OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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