i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
