you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
