i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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