i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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