So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
