And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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