Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
