i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
