Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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