jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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