Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
